Midway Through

Saturday, October 8, 2016 – 5:24 P.M.

I haven’t journaled in a while because I’ve been traveling every weekend (the beach, Cuenca), so I have some more to say.

Basically I’m in a state of limbo right now with my life. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m doing, what I want, how I can make a positive impact on the world, and it’s all overwhelming. Of course, my problems could be so much worse. I acknowledge this wholeheartedly.

I hope to do something that is useful and that I enjoy while also having a fun life with fun people, but it’s not easy. If I had to choose my absolute favorite things to do, in this moment in time, it would be to write, to weightlift, and to explore forests.

I’ve also seriously considered going to officer candidate school and then joining the Air Force or Coast Guard, as I love physical activity, being outside, and having to adapt and exert myself physically. When it comes to brains vs. brawn, I used to think that my preferences tipped toward the brains side, but I have now realized that they do not. I love playing sports and lifting weights and hiking and kayaking and doing things that require physical stamina. I thrive on these things. In contrast, I often get bored in school and wish that I could be running or deadlifting or trekking through the rainforest or chopping down a tree. I don’t know. I just think that my physical and mental toughness are better suited for the military or something like that, and I hate letting this part of me go to waste because I’m pursuing a different lifestyle.

Aside from this, I’ve completely adapted to Ecuador, and I’m a bit bored. I get up early every day for a sweaty, 80-minute bus ride, I go to school, I eat lunch, I spend another 80 minutes on the bus to get home, I work out, I do homework, I eat dinner, and I go to bed. My group of friends and I travel on weekends, and I have thoroughly enjoyed that, but I’m not sure what I’m doing here. I don’t know why. I expected to thrive, and I was very happy at first, but now I feel as though I’m just going through the motions each day with no real end goal.

The worst part of this is that I don’t want to go home. When I’m home in Oklahoma, I often feel disinterested and disconnected. This hasn’t happened to such a degree in Ecuador, and I’m grateful for the reprieve, however temporary.

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